Jackie's Story

Jackie went looking for some poster paint in her office and as she was rifling through the drawer she thought it was in, she ran across a recent letter she’d written to her oldest friend. She sat down on the floor cross-legged and read it.

“Some words in my latest favorite song, ‘perhaps I’m even older now, still running from the truth somehow...but that’s how it should be, after all...  played on in my head long after the song was through, and left my heart saddened.  Heart saddened since you left and I couldn't figure out why.  There was a niggling voice saying it's because I'm still in love with you, but I realize it's the you, you used to be.  You are still basically you and I still love you -- no matter what.  You're still you, but you seem to be a sadder version of yourself and that scares me, too.  A small part of me wants you to be the old you, even though my mature mind knows it's impossible -- and this is what saddens me, too.  I am so sad that you are in a state of health that is so fragile, because I don't want to lose you --ever.  And maybe even after all these years, we still don't know everything about each other and if we did we might find we don't have that much in common, after all ... And that scares me too -- dreadfully so."

'‘I played the song over and over...’'

“Sharon was right, way back then, I was dependent on you, because you were my morning star--you saved my life, inadvertently, or at least I believed it so, because you inspired me to be better, to change, turn over a new leaf, just because you were you and I loved you more than anyone. There are few things I want to tell you, about my past, the reason I turned over a new leaf, but I am afraid of losing you. You have told me so much about you, that I did not know, but it did not change anything for me.

“I still hung onto the ‘I love you’ words, just like I used to--I used to hold onto those words so tight, because I did not want to forget them and I wanted them to last until the next time you said them, which wasn’t very often. I used to talk to Mom about how I felt about you and I’m sure she did not know exactly what to say, but she tried and she was kind. I’m sure she knew, but thought it was a phase. It wasn’t.

“I have worked on my Neuro-pathways and the old tapes, trying hard to re-route them to a more mature highway, but I have not been able to--they’re still on the same gravel road. It is all I can do to keep from sobbing, today...for some reason. And then as I sat at my computer keyboard listening to ‘Once And For All’ by Belleville Outfit, I broke into more tears. It’s as if, until I let go of you, I cannot truly love someone the way they deserve. But I can’t let go--why should I? Or maybe this is the human condition. I don’t know. Or maybe I just need to let go of the immature me, the immature image of what I wanted--I’m just not sure how. And the crazy thing is, I still wonder if you feel the same, but, deep inside, I still hold onto that immature hope... And at the same time, What would I do if you did? Here I am still trying to let go of those old feelings about you and develop new ones. I just cannot imagine losing you in any way, after all...” 

Jackie read on. "Maybe this is what all of us do in our own fucked-up ways--we carry on ‘as if’. ‘As if” we are all right, but holding on tight to little secrets that we feel we cannot reveal, because they are a part of us--something we feel we cannot give up, because it would leave us feeling even emptier. Like it is something no one can take from us, no matter what. Something neither torture nor water-boarding would ever make us reveal, because we love holding onto that secret part of ourselves. So, we cannot fully give ourselves to anyone or anything... But we do go on, don’t we? Happy and loving, but with just a little hint, way over there in the corner, of sadness--a secret sadness no one can ever understand nor take away from us. A sadness for what could’ve or might’ve been and wasn’t and, yet, a silly immature hope for it still. And we would scream and rant and rave if someone tried to take it away... ‘So, I nailed my heart to the wall, and like a fatal falling star, I can’t recall...’ “

Tears formed in Jackie’s eyes, again, as she read her letter. She and her friend had a bond formed in their early teens out of pure need, loneliness and necessity. Yet, they’d had a lot in common, too, love of music and travel, but Jackie had fallen in love with her friend and had hoped one day for more--that day never came. She hadn’t sent the letter to her old friend, because it seemed too vapid or desperate and weak. They still had the same love of music and travel and Jackie had seen the spirit, still, in her friend’s eyes, just as she’d always seen it--it always warmed her heart. Jackie knew the letter had a lot of truth in it and that’s what scared her. 

Jackie shook her head and dried her eyes on her sleeve as she petted her cat, Face. She sniffed back the tears and knew she needed to pre-occupy her mind. She laid the letter on her desk and went out into the living room where the kite lay drying on the dining table. 

“What the hell was I thinking, with that letter?” she exclaimed to Face. She moved mechanically over to the table and looked at the kite--she did not see a kite. She saw a Girl Scout meeting where everyone in the troop was making kites--she was showing her girlfriend how to fold the paper over the string. The way her friend’s fingers deftly and gracefully folded the paper over the string, mesmerized her and she thought her hands the most beautiful she’d ever seen. She wanted to hold them up to her lips and kiss them… 

(c) 2018 Cyndi Rucryst